We have some how found ourselves in this place again. Deployment. There are a lot of things I could say. A lot of rantings, silly moments, scary thoughts, panic could describe the feeling in our home the last few days. But I wont go there completely. I can't go there. I gave myself 24 hours to get myself together. . . it took longer. The hard part about doing these tours is watching your child's emotions go from bad to worse. Trying to stay strong for your kids and failing. Trying to hold it together long enough to get them to bed so you can close the door and fall apart.
Trav says that we are great at staying strong for each other but the moment someone we care about, that cares about us asks us how we are doing we fall apart. It's funny that our closest of friends are the ones we don't need to say anything at all to. That simply know and a look can bring the front crashing down.
I don't sleep much these days. That damn king size bed seems silly when it's little old me sleeping in it. I find myself reading or watching movies till all hours of the night. I watch the clock until I can't keep my eyes open then drag myself in here to collapse. Preston wakes shortly after and it's comforting to feel his warm little body close to me while I nurse him back to sleep. It's after this time that I sleep most comfortably. When my body can relax and I can simply drift into my dreamless sleep, which of course is so much better then the nightmares that keep me shaking and wide awake.
The things we sometimes find ourselves thinking about are exhausting at times but necessary when you understand the risk that we take each time our brave soldier boards that plane headed to places in this world that I will never see. Trav say's he could see the Himalaya's from his tent he stayed in for a few days while at training. I know that as he took in the site all he is thinking about is the view of Pikes peak or Timp. Views that are comfortable and he aches to be in the shadow of much different mountains and in much safer places.
The kids don't really understand why he is not here. They understand so little of war and what their daddy does. Each night I try to help them understand, but so far all I have accomplished is holding my crying children and praying that their Heavenly Father can fill in the blanks. I cried for the first time with Katie late last night as she came to me and without a word crawled on my lap and sobbed. She feels all of this, but understands so little.
Time can maddening here a minute can feel like and hour when you get trapped in your own thoughts. So we make paper chains. Place pictures of him on maps and fill our time up with less and less quiet time. We focus on callings, on school work or learning. Friends are lifelines to sanity that we simply can't afford to lose.
I use to believe that if I could just show my children that being strong could get us through anything that we would be okay. I realized this time around that I need to show them that emotions are real and that we need to try and be strong but sometimes we can't always make it work. And that it's okay to cry, tears sometimes say more then words ever could.
Well these are my thoughts for this evening. Trav has informed us that he is in country now, that it's a "shithole" and that he will soon make his final leg in the journey to his FOB (Forward Operating Base). Thanks for the prayers, the understanding, the patience, and the love. Our love goes to all of you! Goodnight and may this find you safe and happy!
Family Photos 2011
Excellent Mothers Day!
Just wanted to say that this years mothers day was amazing and I am very grateful for those who make it possible for me to hold the title of Mother!
Our Block leave camping adventure!
So as many of you know Travis is getting ready to head out on tour number four. This will be his first deployment to the country of Afghanistan however and the first with 204th here at Ft. Carson. We have enjoyed just over two years with him home and unfortunately part of the job is having him leave for a year. But lucky for us we are extremely blessed to have amazing support group of family and friends to get us through these hard parts. We look forward to growing closer together as a family and our Heavenly Father over the next year. With any tour comes what the Army likes to call "Block Leave" which is basically vacation time that a unit takes as a whole during certain dates. Trav took his leave in the last few weeks. Our last few days of leave we decided to leave civilization for awhile and just focus on the family. So we rented a little cabin up the canyon and left cell phones, TV's, internet, and showers behind us and ventured out to the fresh air. We had an amazing time in our little cabin, almost froze that first night and woke up to snow but it was well worth every minute. We stayed up late and woke up late. We hiked, skipped rocks, played games, enjoyed the fire and each other. It was an amazing way to end our block leave. Katie lost her first tooth up there, Brooklyn enjoyed the dirt and everything nature, Preston experienced his first camping trip, and Travis and I enjoyed watching our children enjoy the world outside of the craziness that is living in town. Poor Dakota was not only looking her age but acting it as well, poor girl was sure hurting when we got her home. Enjoy the photos there are many, but I wanted to capture every minute of it. Enjoy! Love you all!
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