"Waiting For Superman"
She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away
She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days
She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape”
She’s just watching the clouds roll by and they spell her name like Lois Lane
And she smiles, oh the way she smiles
She’s talking to angels, counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, In his arms
Waiting for Superman
She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this Metropolis
She says...Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says...If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss
Still, she smiles, the way she smiles, yeah
She’s talking to angels, she’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, she’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, In his arms
She’s waiting for Superman
To lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and climbing through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
Oh, like a speeding light
And she smiles
She’s talking to angels, she’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, she’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, In his arms
She’s waiting for Superman
To lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and climbing through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
She’s waiting for Superman.
-Daughtry
How do you replace a hero? Mend that portion of your heart that is meant just for him? I keep dialing his number starring at the screen wishing I could push send. Grief is not my friend, it is a cold and relentless bitch. The shelf I keep trying to push it on keeps collapsing in on me and spilling the contents all over the place. No matter how much I try I keep having to face the loss of him.
I keep telling myself "No, Jennie you are strong, you can handle this. You can smile and it will be alright." It's not alright. I'm not alright. It's the hardest deployment I have ever had to face.
My therapist told me last year that my strength is my weakness. Putting this puzzle together is rough. I keep having flash backs of our last days together. Caring for your hero in his weakest moment is a blessing and a tough blow all rolled up in one messy package. I feel so blessed when I recall holding his hand and seeing his sweet smile. Standing him up and "dancing" to replace his bed linens and reposition him in bed. His whispers of "my sweet strong Jennie" but they are matched side by side with his pain and failing body. Holding back the tears I know he didn't want and smiling back at him. Haunting memories I don't want to face but so desperately reach for.
His smile. His strength. His heart. His laugh. His quiet moments, when I would catch him smiling in his chair watching his family. His food. His hugs. His faith in God. His faith in me. His lessons. His love of his country. His example. His ability to see the little things. These are the things I love about him and these are the things I must remember.
I find him here now. Pouring through the song lyrics in my play list. His arm on my shoulder saying it's alright, you're alright. Strength in spirit wrapped up in the memories of him. Whispers of "my sweet strong Jennie, please don't cry. I'm here." And he is here forever in his quiet ways giving me the strength to continue. I see him smiling in his chair across the room, watching us and finding his joy and I smile but the tears they come. They fall from unforgiving eyes who wont stop their attack on my crumbling wall.
Don't want to let you down. Don't want to disappoint. Don't want to let you go.
My sweet friend Sally brought me a message from Dad a few weeks after his death. She was visited by him after his death and he told her this message for me. "I had to wait till Travis could be your hero. I had to wait till he could be there for you. I held on till that could happen." His words brought me comfort. Although they only met a handful of times, Dad was always fond of Sally and her friendship with me. She brought Travis and I back to the church and she has never stopped being my friend. Distance changes nothing. It doesn't surprise me that he chose her to pass along the message. In one of Dad and my last phone conversations before I made the move to Utah he said to me "Jennie when will you be here?" I promptly told him that I would be there on the first. He said "Good, I can hold on till then. I am so glad you will be here for her, she needs you here." He was so concerned for mom. His last concerns were for his family. He held on for her, he held on for us all.
Travis is my Superman now. I needed my Dad to remind me of that. He has proved himself over and over again with his sweet smile. His big heart. His hugs. His love of his country. His example. His ability to see the small things. His faith in God. His faith in me. His quiet way of giving me the strength to continue. I can never replace or fill up that part of my heart that is meant for my Dad. I will forever be Daddy's girl, but my heart can find comfort in others and Dad is reminding me of that. His words from the past rising to the surface of my memory "I love your husband Jennie. I love him like a son. You chose well, he is a good man. Take care of each other." I will Daddy, maybe we can be each others hero. Maybe that's what Dad wanted for us, something tells me it is.
Mom pulled me up from my darkness as a young adult after I had given up on hope. After trying to end the pain of my youth so selfishly. She taught me to smile at my mistakes. She taught me to love myself and not let other step all over me. She taught me to never settle for okay when you can have great. She taught me that love comes in a lot of different packages and she continues to amaze me with her growth as a person. Her ability to adapt and change. She faces tomorrow with a brave face and even if inside she is crumbling and full of sadness she continues to smile for me. She is happy for me and worries for me. Even in my moments of tantrums she pulls me in and lets me fall apart in her arms. She tears through my walls and cradles her tender hearted Jennie; who is trying desperately to get the world to believe she is made of stone. I find that years later she is doing the same. I find comfort in her smile and friendship in her own tears. A relationship I have so often taken for granted, I cling to and hope that she finds comfort in my smile as well. Maybe we can get through this together, I think he would have wanted that.
My father was always bringing people together. He was always throwing parties and cooking food. He wanted all his friends to be friends. He wanted Christmas' and Birthdays to be a big deal. He wanted everyone to be friends and love one another. I have tried to be this type of person. I have failed and that's okay. I have realized that our family without Dad is a different sort of family. Missing a key part of the equation. Life without Dad will be different and that's okay I think he knew it would. I think that's why he asked what he did of us. Travis and I will finish his boat. We will do those things that he asked us to do and maybe one day we will find that it has brought us back together. Life must adapt to change and so must I. I wish I could keep every promise I have made to him, I believe some day I will. I know he knows I am trying and that gives me strength. Travis says that it's not always the result it's what we gain along the way. Pretty smart man, that one.
I have so many faults, perfection continues to allude me. Try as I may I will always have that extra weight I want to lose. I will always struggle to clean up my language. I will always try to be better about reading the scriptures, temple attendance, and that FHE that always falls apart and turns into a free for all. My kids will always have challenges I want to fix. Not everything and everyone needs me to fix things. I think my children as adults may struggle with my obsession to fix things. Then there is my always pushing people away after they hurt me, I really should learn to forgive. It's just so much easier to stop the hurt than work through it. A lesson I must figure out. I Judge people, heaven help me I do. I'm working on it. . .
But with all my faults comes my talents my crafty little ways that aren't really a strength but they bring me joy and I find worth in that. I am pretty handy with a needle and thread it's not always perfect but it's fun and it brings beauty to our home. I don't always blow everyone away with my cooking abilities but my family enjoys my little creations and I haven't killed anyone. :-) So I think that is something to be proud of. I love deep and I love long. I have a big heart and would do anything to make anyone happy. I love to make cashiers smile, who look like they are having a hard day. I love to help people smile, there is a little bit of a high that comes with it. I am probably the most insecure about others view of me but I will try and put myself out there to make a difference to something I believe in. I sacrifice personal time to make sure my children get the type of education that is right for them. All these things are strengths and I need to remind myself of these things. For years he has been the one who has reminded me of these things. My cheerleader and biggest fan. I think he taught me enough lessons to know the answers I need to know about life all on my own now. And with this knowledge he is always with me. It's remembering that I have the light inside me in the dark moments that is the hard part.
I miss him every day. I fall apart when it gets too heavy to bare but every time I have reached for him he has been there. Change is hard and the loss of such a huge presence is felt deeply, but he left the tools behind with those closest to us to continue on. He brings the light to dark moments and worth to the small things. "Remember that I love you." Five words with so much hope and strength in them. I remember Daddy, thanks for the therapy session and thank you to those who have joined us today. I hope you find your sunshine today, I know I have.
-Jen
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.
-Owl City
