Fall 2014

My favorite time of year!  These are a few pictures of the last month a little taste of all the things we have been up to! :-)  Sorry there are not pictures of Trav and I we just somehow managed to not get in front of the camera this month.


     I can't believe it's almost been a year since I posted anything.  So much has happened.  Most of it I don't think I would go back and relive, it was crazy hard.  I learned and grew so much that I am going to call it a success. I survived, that's something right?

After my last entry life kind of spiraled out of control for a long time. By the time I had time to adjust it was over. Our family tried to adjust to Dad's passing and Mom's illness with strength, some of us less graceful at it than others.  It's scary how much you learn about yourself under the worst conditions life has to offer.   Growth is bound to happen but for the small gains in the end you have to question if the injuries were worth the fight. Burning bridges can leave you feeling regret.  There is no doubt in my mind that life has it's tests and sometimes we fail them miserably.  What is the saying "By repeated action we learn." I have to wonder how many times I have to make the same mistakes to learn from them.  I have been such a fool, wisdom is not something easily gained.

December brought a cold that set in and brought with it a dark cloud that hung over us like a guillotine ready to fall.  Every phone call, every doctors visit was filled with fear that any moment the other shoe was going to drop.  Feeling like the floor would give way with the next step.

I strapped on my brave face and my arsenal of "I'm fine" and fell apart when no one was watching.  Even then cracks began to show on my well painted mask and my strength began to fail.  I started praying that someone would take the trials at the time off my shoulders but in the same breath prayed I could endure because I couldn't bare being away from her.  I don't think any of us thought we would make it through the winter and at the time it seemed to stretch on forever.

Helpless is exactly what we all fear and no matter how prepared we are it comes to visit us all at some point in our lives.  We are asked to rely on faith.  A faith that no matter how many times someone tells you to work at, to build and prepare we fail to do so.  In our weakness our tests find us and strip away those inadequate preparations.  That is where I found myself like a caged animal panicking at the unknown and lashing out at anyone who would come near me.  Blaming the blameless and shaking a weak and broken fist at a world that neither cared nor hears me.  It's so difficult to put words to our fears and angry actions speak so much louder than we mean them to.

Broken and humbled is when the light breaks through and in the spring we found a sliver of hope. We begin to ask ourselves "Could this be the answer to all our prayers, is she going to be okay?" All the while fearing that she isn't strong enough to survive the surgery.  But as quickly as it burst through it was blocked out and stumbling we go back and begin to nurse our disappointments. I once again began to worry and fear and shut more doors to those around me.  However my mother has felt the sun again and she discovers the fight is not lost in her. From her darkness she begins to seek out life again and she finds strength.  First she finds mental strength and with it she slowly gains back a little physical strength as well.  

You don't know how much you miss someone's smile until you see it for the first time after such a scary and dark time.  She began to take back her independence and I began to realize how wrong I had been on so many things. I do not regret the care I gave, nor do I regret the fact that we chose Utah and chose her over our other options.  I know we provided what was needed this last year.  I know that my father is proud of our sacrifices.

What I do regret is the weakness I had to jump so quickly to anger and judgment.  How my fear of not being needed overpowered the reality of how much I needed rest.  Like a exhausted railway worker driven to his death by a brutal master, I drove myself by my fear.  Fear of losing her too, fear of everything I was sacrificing being forgotten, fear of not doing enough, fear of doing too much, fear of unkempt promises,  fear of what it was doing to my marriage, my children, and those others I love so much.  I regret how slowly I fell to my knees when the darkness set it and refused to give up my fear, my anger, and my self doubt.  What a fool we are in our weaknesses.

But all of this is nothing compared to the regret I feel for the people I hurt while being scared.  Since childhood I have blocked out people when I am afraid.  I curl into myself and shut down or worse lash out.  For all the trust people have in me I have very little trust in myself or others.  On my crusade to help my mother this year I buckled and failed.  I cut ties before they could be cut.  Self preservation always. . .and the wake I left is vast.   I have hurt and pushed away so many people in my life time.  So much good has been left devastated by fear.

The reason Travis is the Yin to my Yang is he quietly takes me into his arms in my darkest moments.  In all my inward chaos he is the calm that without a word brings peace to my life.  What a awesome realization to find that you need people more than they need you.  How an independent spirit is left drifting without those around to ground it.  Pride will be our downfall and where we want them to call it bravery it will only ever be known by fear.

I hope that I have found wisdom in the dark and a better appreciation for the light.  Heavenly Father knows me and knows my weaknesses and like any good father he strives to teach me to be better.  Like Travis and the father I still ache for daily he quietly takes me in his arms and calms my otherwise chaotic soul.  Find peace my friends.  Find love where you least expect it.  Take chances in others and in yourself.  Surprise the doubters even if that means surprising yourself.  Forgive, forget and move on.  Learn.